February 17, 2017
If you’ve registered yourself as a self-respecting Protestant on any social media platform, you’ve likely received a small, dove-shaped parchment in your mailbox last month.
The results from Willowcreek Community Church’s Nationwide poll are in, and the consensus on which American human man could deliver the most punchy, state of the art, bring-tears-to-your-Protestant-eyes sermon is quite surprising.
Although the annual fab-five are still present on the list, a tiny, macaron-sized version of Alex Trebec, the handsome bone-collector who hosts Jeopardy, is the runaway favorite. This bombshell has Protestants everywhere raising a toast to “America’s tiny, knowledgeable skeleton man.” Feast your eyes on these results:
Tiny Alex Trebek: 43%
Charles Barkley: 13%
Rick Warren: 11%
Jim-Jim Toffee: 8%
Rick from the Walking Dead: 7%
Pudgy Matt Damon: 6%
80’s-Version Chuck Swindoll: 5%
Perry Noble: 4%
Other: 3%
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