24 Thoughts You Have When People Are Talking Theology And You Just Want To Microwave A Burrito

Hunger pangs strike your round food-bag, and literally zero Duggar children have brought you the figgy pudding they promised you. You’re a hungry son of a gun. Here are...

Hunger pangs strike your round food-bag, and literally zero Duggar children have brought you the figgy pudding they promised you. You’re a hungry son of a gun. Here are all the thoughts that go through your head when people are talking theology, and you just want to microwave that burrito.

1. Why is Jeb Bush eating all of my leftover potato salad?


2. I really am not doing all that well financially, and watching Jeb Bush put his hands on all of my food is excruciating.


3. Did he just use some of my forks to scratch his back? 


4. Okay, now it looks like he is getting sick. His face has gone from the color peach to stone cold gray. I’m getting a little worried about him.


5. “The Gap Theory” in Genesis chapter one is implausible, but now Jeb is standing up and pointing desperately to his throat. Maybe he’s choking.


6. That hambone ejected forcefully from his gullet, but why can’t the Tribulation be a literal seven years? The text is the text is the text.


7. Great, now Jeb found my teriyaki sauce and is calling it “Salty Pepsi.”


8. I appreciate the candor regarding the 144,000 and their function within the narrative of Revelation, but why is Jeb shivering so violently right now? 


9. Jeb ate all of my food, except for this burrito that I am holding in my left hand. Please tell me he hasn’t noticed it.


10. Well, that shank was a tad bit unexpected, so it looks like he will be eating my burrito.


11. I just don’t see any Biblical warrant for baptising infants and I can not believe he is eating that burrito uncooked. It is supposed to be microwaved for two minutes.


12. That’s a tooth. Jeb Bush absolutely broke his tooth on my frozen burrito.


13. This conversation is going nowhere. I just don’t see babies baptised in Scripture, even once.


14. Jeb Bush looks exactly the way I thought he’d look without a shirt.


15. Those are my shirts, and he is not fitting into them. They are way too small on the Presidential candidate.


16. Terrific, Jeb’s nose is bleeding on my shirt. 


17. All he had to do was put his bleeding nose over a sink. Now all of my clothes are soiled with Jeb Bush’s grimy blood.
18. Truthfully, it is much more likely that Appollos wrote the book of Hebrews than Paul. 


19. Jeb is having a terrible time putting on that scuba gear, but after all he’s put me through today, I’m going to let him make a fool of himself.


20. Is he crying?


21. Great, he’s flirting with my girlfriend. Thankfully there’s no way she won’t shut this down.


22. It’s not faith plus works, it’s works that result out of genuine faith.


23. It’s really quiet around here. I wonder where Jeb and my girlfriend went.


24. I’m gonna’ kill Jeb Bush.

Categories
Life
Sign up for The Weekly Cherub
Receive special offers, cast your beautiful gaze on updates, be automatically signed up for prizes, and enjoy the most popular posts of the week.

RELATED BY