In a special, super-secret media briefing this afternoon, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer broke incredible news. Our beautiful and elegant President, Donald J. Trump, will require all US-based credit card companies to switch to those creepy, gloriously-efficient, sub-dermal microchips by 2019.
“The President has mandated that all major companies begin using this simple and bodacious form of payment,” Spicer announced. “Sub-dermal microchips have shown promise, but other acceptable alternative forms include ‘Barcode Tattoos.’ These will include some kind of totally random number. I don’t know, I’m thinking maybe ‘666’ on all of our foreheads and wrists. Just free-styling here.”
While the President was not immediately available for comment due to an excruciatingly irritable bowel, Spicer indicated that the plan is believed to be aimed at reducing the identity-theft epidemic which has swept the Nation. “There are so many Karl Thompson’s,” he added. “There’s no way there are that many Karl Thompson’s wandering the U.S. of A.”
In addition to an increased work-load for “human body-fixers” (surgeons), doctors have been hit especially hard by former President Obama’s “Affordable Care Act.” Thomas Fishkin, a representative for MasterCard and an amateur surgeon, said he was “totally on-board” with the executive order and “couldn’t wait to get to work.” Meanwhile, Jeff MacDonald, Pastor of First Independent Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas expressed minor concern, “While some within the faith community may be leery of these measures — you know, with the number of the anti-Christ and shadows of the book of Revelation — I think we should rally around the beautiful President that God has chosen for us. He’s God’s Orange Man in Washington.”