Two years have passed since First Baptist Church members of Hannover, New Jersey first complained about the “loud, annoying buzz” that can be heard over the speakers.
“At first we all heard that buzz, but assumed that, by next week’s service, it would disappear into space,” said Grace Ellingslie. “After putting up with that awful sound for a while, a few of us decided we had to say something or we would eventually be charged for manslaughter.”
Bob Hatersfield, the church’s resident sound-guy, had been too busy “crushing” his high-score on the venerable app “Candy Crush” to notice anything out of the ordinary. Plus, he’s completely deaf in both eardrum-holders.
After being confronted by the angry and inexplicably sweaty attendees, he checked all the cables, connections, and thing-a-majigs to the church’s sound board. He then melted hot plastic, drizzled it over a DC Talk abum to scare away the “digital bugs.” After failing to fix the issue, he and the other church members came to an unsettling conclusion.
“We tried everything,” Bob complained. “Lights on, lights off; monitors facing the congregation; putting the drummer in the parking lot; staring at a male Russian gymnast in Moscow; unplugging all the guitars while they were playing: everything. Nothing worked. At one point, I thought I had managed to trace the problem to the Pastor’s mic. I threw it against a Russian gymnast, replaced the battery, and even ordered a replacement.
After the Pastor’s replacement-mic failed to solve the problem, many of the regulars had given up on finding a resolution. “I kind of enjoy it now,” said “old fart” and church deacon Paul Rigglesby. “I’m afraid I would miss it if magnanimous buzz disappeared,” added Mary-Beth Springer.
Each member of the congregation has arrived at their own conclusions about what has been termed, “The Voluptuous Buzz.” Most have settled on the belief that the pulpit or soundboard has demons. Others, however, believe a conversation is in order with a certain Russian gymnast.