Members of the Southern Baptist Convention voted Wednesday to pass a controversial resolution, and it was met with much backlash and angst. Here are seven things you should know about SBC’s newest resolution.
1. Southern Baptists have lost all cell phone privileges after 6pm because they texted Russell Moore too many Daffy Duck gifs. This resolution will make life much more difficult for the Southern Baptists, but Evangelical Pope Russell Moore will no longer receive these burdensome DD gifs. According to Moore, “These gifs made my life a living Hell.”
2. Southern Baptists must offer three positive statements about the lovable character Steve Urkel from Family Matters during Sunday morning greeting time. Thankfully, SB’s will put effort into speaking much more positively about Steve Urkel during their greeting times. “We wanted to be more inclusive, and Steve had some wonderful qualities about him,” J.D. Greear screamed with a basketball in each hand.
3. Every Southern Baptist pastor must remind his congregation that he doesn’t deserve arms or legs. Wow! This will drastically improve the Southern Baptists’ overall morale.
4. Southern Baptists must allow Tim McGraw to use their pens, medicine, and bathroom facilities. This was a long time coming, but change is slow and hard. If you are a Southern Baptist, now he has full access to pens, your antibiotics, and bathrooms. God bless you, Tim.
5. Any Southern Baptist that finds buried treasure must immediately describe Jerusalem to a blind man. Our rapidly-changing world demands these kinds of difficult decisions.
6. All cinemas must be sprayed for ticks. Before an SB is allowed to watch the latest installment of The Passion of the Christ in theaters, he or she must enter a tick-free zone. This is a no-brainer.
7. Southern Baptists must call the SBC Hotline and speak with an automated system to confirm the proper use of words such as “alternate,” and “right.” If you are a Southern Baptist and you feel the urge to use the word “alternative,” you must call it in first and describe the context with which you are using it. This will certainly cause some hardship, but one thing is clear: The Southern Baptists mean business.