We can’t believe it. He did it again. The slick, balding man known as Timothy Keller delivers yet another family favorite in his new book, Shepherding the Lactose Intolerant.
Here are our five favorite quotes from this new classic:
1. “Few things are more difficult than teaching and making a disciple out of a small, skinny man whose stomach cannot handle the sugars found in milk. Yet this is the very act that marks your transition from ‘shiny pastor’ to ‘glimmering minister.'”
We’re not really sure what to make of Tim’s opening statement, but we were on the edges of our proverbial seats from the get go!
2. “If your stomach can’t handle the rich, white fluid that flows freely from the udder of a large mama cow, should you really be allowed to operate a motorized vehicle in the United States of America?”
This is the kind of raw, fresh perspective we’ve come to expect from Tim’s classics. Breathtaking!
3. “I don’t ever leave home without three pocketfuls of ice cream sandwiches. I hardly ever eat any of them, but now I find it much easier to tell which clothes I’ve worn before and which are crispy and clean.”
Five words: My. Life. Is. Forever. Changed. Period.
4. “Don’t judge a parishioner by how much cheese he can eat without ballooning up like a Russian blimp. Rather, judge him by the moisture between his knuckles. If it’s too dry in the skin folds where his fingers bend, you know he’s not ripe yet – just wait. But if it’s too wet in there you need act quickly! Put that over-ripened parishioner out in the sun for a few minutes.”
You will not find this kind of pastoral advice anywhere else.
5. “The Greeks used to think lactose was simply the tears of dead grandmothers. It wasn’t until the Romans came around that we truly understood that lactose is just cow anxiety in liquid form.”