Local Church Converts Closet Into Space For Those Who Pronounce Habakkuk Wrong 

"It was a simple solution."

A church in Daytona Beach, Florida converted a musty old closet into a pleasant, sobering space for those in their church who mispronounce the name of minor prophet Habakkuk.


Experiencing an uptick in bad pronunciations of the prophet’s name, First Church of Daytona Beach struggled to come up with a solution. Should they kick these ingrates out? Can they offer a re-education and appropriation course to these hot messes? Pastor Orwin Beadle-Wesely was completely at a loss and on the verge of getting fired.

“They wanted me out of here because so many people were saying Habakkuk wrong and humiliating the rest of of us. Our church became the laughing-stock of Florida. Then I noticed an old, empty closet down in the basement and immediately knew what to do,” Beadle-Wesely explained while eating a McDonalds Fish Filet. “It was a simple solution.”

FCDB quarantined each and every miscreant within the walls of that dank closet, and things started to turn around for the two-hundred member church. “Everyone sitting in the sanctuary could pronounce Habakkuk,” Roland Bethelsoup told us, a Deacon in the church. “Sometimes, instead of singing worship songs like ‘Jesus You Give Me Goose-Pimples’ and ‘God Is Like An Avocado,’ we take turns standing and saying the minor prophet’s sweet, sweet name.”

Pastor Wesely-Beadle’s job is as secure as it has ever been. “Every Sunday morning, we test all those who enter the doors of our church. If they get it wrong, into the rugged closet they go until church is over. But our mercies are new every Sunday.”


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