These 5 Arminians Explain Why They Don’t Have Tattoos


We went around North America and asked five flaming Arminians why they don’t have tattoos on their bodies, and we got some incredible answers. Here they are: 

“Yes, it’s true that the Noble Inkm’n hasn’t blessed my skin with a red hot squirt of color and design. I have set out celery and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper on my driveway for months, but to no avail. I know one day the gangly, bushy Noble Inkm’n will visit me and gobble up my offerings; he will spread his tingly hot ink all over my plain body. Until that day, my bag of bones will remain as clear as a Fundamental Baptists’.”

-Kred Folbust, Schaumburg, Illinois

“I’ve tried to lure the tall, bushy Inkm’n into my large trap since I was eight. He has dribbled his hot, prickly pen-juice all over my dear friends, Brad Paisley, Ron Harper, and Rich Mullins, but not on me. I haven’t procured a tat yet, I know. But when the time is right, he will arrive with his steaming hot bowls of ink, strap me to one of the Egyptian pyramids, and splash his amazing colors on my basic skin.” 

-Pan Pantoast, Rochester, New York

“I’ve seen the Inkm’n, with his bowls of ink and thrice-amputated arm. I made The Call of the Inkm’n: ‘Whipple-whipple-whoo! Come strap me to an Egyptian pyramid and bless me with a tattoo.’ He came into my house, ate up all my celery, and left. It just wasn’t my time.”

-Tiff Mufflespoon, St. Juniper, Canada

“I travelled to meet the Venerable Inkm’n at his disgusting and yellow Delaware abode. I found him off-putting. He did not wipe his spicy ink on my biceps like I had hoped, even after I loaded him up with celery stalks and brown sodas.”

-Orgore Einstein, Roach, Missouri

“He used my bathroom and ate all the food in our pantry and fridge. I asked the Ink-Giver, ‘Please, can you use cups and plates?’ but he munched it all and made a terrible mess. He was so lanky and full of hair. ‘This is the time to get scalding-hot ink plastered on the inside of my neck,’ I said to myself; but he left before I had the chance to obtain his warm colors.”

-Stevia Hedgpeth-Bones, Roit, New Mexico

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