The Happy Happy Happy Holiness Church of Blue Ball, Arkansas hosted their monthly potluck last week. Reportedly, everyone received full stomachs and happy hearts — until things escalated to an inscrutably bad level that we we’d all rather avoid if we just had the choice.
Billy-Bob Bolin, beaming with the gritty glow of hunger, finally took the lid off of a majestic Tupperware dish containing what he believed to be a steaming pile of spaghetti. “Well, Billy Bob’s eyesight aint too good these days,” said his life-long friend, Belf. “He dished himself a heaping plate full of whatever was in that Tupperware. He dug right in.”
Billy-Bob had dished himself a plate full of what the locals call “Grant’s Dirty Dredlocks.” Most of us, however, refer to them as baby rattlesnakes.
Happy Happy Happy Holiness Church is one of a few remaining Pentecostal churches that still practices “snake-handling,” a doctrine built on a passage in the Book of Acts regarding Paul’s brief stay on an island named “Malta.”
“Whoo-ee! He polished off that plate of snakes faster than a coon in a barrel of bacon,” said Jeb Moistcotton of Blue Ball. Many had vague concerns about Billy-Bob’s stomach and how it would handle the venomous creatures. Other’s weren’t surprised when he emerged from the ordeal unscathed.
“I once saw him guzzle a full gallon jug of ‘Jeb’s White Lightning’ in less than 2 minutes,” said his wife.
Let this story fill you with the joy of National Serpent Day!