Joel Osteen’s special bidet has been named and claimed at least fifty-six times since he purchased it in October of 2016. Now, with the help of a task-force, he hopes to finally get to the bottom of it.
“These guys can’t use firearms,” said a dejected Osteen. “They can’t use brute force or handcuff anyone. There’s not much they can do, but if their meager efforts mean that I have a better chance of regaining my beautiful bidet, then so be it. I’m sick and tired of my favorite, upper-class toilet being named and claimed by some normal, run-of-the-mill, blue collar worker out there. I get the shivers just thinking about it.”
Pastor Joel Osteen, or “Joelsteen” as some refer to him as, is famous for his large church in Houston, Texas and the prosperity Gospel that he espouses week after week. Author of several best-selling books and owner of sensationally white veneers, Joelsteen never expected his message to be so effective.
“He’s tired of losing his bidet,” claimed his wife Victoria. “There are times he is in the middle of using it and POOF! it is gone. What a disaster. This needs to stop, and that’s why he has put so much of the church’s money into this project.”