Hunker Down: Mark Driscoll Is Starting To Mutate

Batten down the hatches immediately.

We have a real crisis on our hands: Mark Driscoll is finally starting to mutate, and we couldn’t be any more afraid right now.

The former Pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington is experiencing permanent nucleotide sequence alterations of his sturdy genomes, and this spells disaster for anyone who upsets the “Big Fighting Boy.” Already prone to fits of anger and general moodiness, this mutation will put anyone who finds his tired act a bit “off-putting” at risk of losing limbs.


After years of wondering whether Mark would be able to pull off this incredibly difficult maneuver, Evangelicals all over the world now find themselves in a real-life nightmare as they try to navigate the waters of their uncertain futures. Mark now has what appears to be a new squid tentacle, green skin, and an extra arm coming out of his back.

“I was happy when he was regular-old Mark,” said Phyllis McCallum of Tempe, Arizona. “Now he is a mutated-version of Mark Driscoll, and what will become of me and my family? He destroyed lives without this incredible surge of power and fury. Who knows what he is capable of now?”

Batten down the hatches, brothers and sisters. Mark Driscoll is starting to mutate.

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