5 Times Anonymous Calvinist Twitter Accounts Appropriately Brought The Hammer Down On My Delinquent Child

Incredible.

My degenerate child is causing all kinds of trouble and is on the broad path to destruction. Thankfully, several Calvinist Anon’s have been consistenly shaming him and giving him the business. Here are five times the wonderful, Reformed Twitter Police brought the hammer down on my disgusting boy, Kevin:

1. For wearing two regular ties around his neck rather than an acceptable bow tie: My bonehead son refused to wear something normal around his neck last spring and tweeted a picture of himself wearing two regular-sized ties around his neck at church. “Calvinist Kim Jong-il” replied, “I want to fail several mid-range rocket tests and eventually nuke your outfit, Kevin. It is an abomination.”

2. For whispering “Bequeath” to too many school marms: Kevin has been quietly whispering the word “Bequeath” to several female teachers in various contexts, and he has been bragging about it all over social media. Thankfully, @SpurgeonDad1945 took him to task: “Beware of no man more than yourself, Kevin.”

3. For Tweeting a word with a “C,” “A,” and “L” but not including a picture of himself thinking strongly and winsomely about Institutes of Christian Religion: My miserable son tweeted that he loved calamari, and this set off a series of unfortunate, yet completely acceptable reactions because it triggered so many TULIP-proponents. One came from an anonymous account known as “Beza’s Heart Murmur”: “u lost all of my respect kevin. ur choice of tweet has left me irregular and on the verge of quitting.”

4. For compromising his witness by money laundering: My son really made us disappointed in him when he was caught laundering thousands of dollars. Thankfully @FatOfPlatt let him have it: “I hope u go to prison u irresponsible twerp.” This really made him think about what he had done as he sits in a cell at this moment pondering the awful and autonomous mistake he made.

5. For allowing me to tattoo “Jive Turkey” on both of his biceps and calves: My young and degenerate son has made so many mistakes and miscalculations that they are impossible to count. One such mistake includes allowing me to tatoo “Jive Turkey” four times on him one fateful night in December. In response to a photo my bogus boy posted, @ReformedJebBush replied: “Please clap.”

 

 

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