Cute: Five Prominent Evangelicals Explain Hummus

Sincere.

Hummus feeds millions of families worldwide, but very few people truly understand it. We need experts to gird their loins and explain it to us. Thankfully, these five, prominent Evangelicals gave it their best shot.

“I have been blessed with a full understanding of hummus. Hummus makes me yelp in public every day. Hummus makes my empty gut feel full. Hummus is the cotton candy of the Middle East. You haven’t lived until you’ve stuffed your mouth, ears, and pockets with the grainy, moist slop and made end-times prophecies on national television. I try to never stop thinking about the different ways you can ingest hummus.”

-Pat Robertson

 

“Thankfully, the hummus knowledge I currently own was passed down to me from my dear dad. He spent his whole life thinking about hummus. I now know, because of my generous hummus-Dad, that hummus is a thick paste that attracts all of my favorite, living members of the Jackson 5 when spread on my forearms and around my waste. Jermaine sleeps in my basement now.”

-Joel Osteen

“I am constantly thankful for hummus. It is the filet mignon of the Middle East. Ted Haggard introduced it to me by slopping it onto my car door handles, and, now, because of its delightful, rich, moist, grainy texture, I’m smacking and making all kinds of eating noises while I teach at church. I can’t put it down.”

-Joyce Meyer

 

“I have known hummus my entire adult life. As long as hummus is alive and kicking, I will continue to replace the wine of communion with it.”

-Robert Jeffress

 

“Believe me, if hummus is genuinely the parmesan cheese of the Middle East, it will last and never spoil.”

-Paul Washer 

 

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