With 2018 on the horizon, The Daily Cherub searched far and wide to find creative, beaming, and bold Evangelicals ready to officially “break out” in the new year. Here are ten up-and-comers Christians should definitely look out for In 2018.
10. Lesley R.R. Milkfeed-Harpsichord: Lesley created iTemple, an app that correctly identifies all meat sacrificed to idols in the room you are standing or sitting in. It has been downloaded nearly 10,000 times, and most haven’t died or gotten concussions from it. “My app will probably go viral this year as former President George W. Bush will do the voice-overs for my product. He’ll say things like, ‘This meat was sacrificed, friend,’ or ‘All clear, amigo.'”
9. Gabe Hughes: After falling multiple times in rodeos and becoming increasingly disappointed with his cellular provider, Gabe hung up his spurs and phones for good and started making WWUTT videos. Though largely disconnected from the world because he only corresponds by big smoke plumes and emails, his videos on Bible verses and salad dressings have become legendary within evangelical circles. Hughes: “I’m glad people are watching my videos, but I’m running out of dressings to talk about. I will likely need to invent new dressings. I’m currently workshopping two new flavors: ‘Cinnamon Butter’ and ‘Pepsi Supreme.'” We can’t wait.
8. Second Tom Cruise: Second Tom Cruise isn’t like First Tom Cruise, who is a Scientologist and a big handsome movie star. Second Tom Cruise is much more approachable, a loving father, and openly supports the nation of Israel. His politics, however are unknown to his growing fans, as he has been seen wearing multiple hats, one of Barak Obama eating pudding and one of Donald Trump waving to Regis Philbin. As long as he keeps up the good work, we can expect big things from the Second Installment of Tom Cruise this coming new year.
7. Summer Jaeger: Many counted her out after she was spotted covering Patrick Ewing’s sports car with wet slices of bread, but Summer Jaeger has transformed herself into an exciting up-and-comer that everybody should expect to break out in 2018. “Sheologians is an important podcast that all Christian women should have loaded up in their Discmans or Boomboxes,” Summer yelled while fly fishing. “Thirteen women have gotten trapped in air ducts in the middle of taping, which makes for a compelling broadcast.” We agree.
6. Nate Pickowicz: Becoming an angry werewolf constantly in search of Adolf Hitler’s bones to yell at never looked so cool! “I love writing books, and creating Christian content that honors the Lord and His Gospel,” Nate told The Daily Cherub. “It’s just an added bonus that I get to transform into an angry werewolf during full moons, hell-bent on disgracing Adolf’s old crackly skeleton.” Founder of Amtrak and the first man to think about the moon for more than an hour, nobody is more driven that Nate Pickowicz.Founder of Amtrak and the first man to think about the moon for more than an hour, nobody is more driven that Nate Pickowicz.
5. Hezekiah-Hezekiah: Hezekiah-Hezekiah doesn’t exactly have the personality that many members of the CHERUB10 have, in fact, many consider him quite strange and un-relatable. “He’s a recluse,” Steven C. Chapman told Christianity Today last week. “He’s a old fat recluse without any friends or loved-ones. He’s an undesirable Wookie without a job. I want to taunt him and taunt him until he drowns in a puddle of his own tears. I would like to take him out onto the interstate, stop the car on the side of the road, berate him, and kick him out while honking all of the syllables in the sentence ‘I hope you never come back and remain on the outskirts of humanity.'”
4. Stephen Altrogge: Stephen definitely turned a new leaf after abruptly quitting The Happy Rant podcast because his water was always too “old and salty” on the show. In 2017, he created the Only The Good Stuff podcast, got kidnapped, and adopted fifteen people between the ages of 40 and 60 without really thinking through what exactly could go wrong in adopting perfectly fine and adjusted adults.
3. Ronnie J. Martin: “Ronny is the ‘Big Bad Boy of Evangelicalism’ these days, and I’m afraid of him. I heard he took an entire bucket of paint and painted a bucket of paint with it. There are rumors that he wears two, sometimes three belts at once. He always looks like he just vertical suplexed one of the Gettys during an intense, Seattle rainstorm. What will he do to me if we ever cross paths?” Tim Tebow said with a monotone voice during an ESPN College GameDay broadcast. Ronnie J. Martin must be making some noise if Tim Tebow is generally frightened of him.
2. Phil Whistler: Despite being covered in fleas and being contractually obligated to allow a Silverback Gorilla on stage, Whistler actually outsold Christian music legends like S.C. Chapman and M. W. Smith in 2017. “I am scared of the gorilla, no doubt about it. It’s a very strange stipulation in my contract,” Whistler told us. “I can’t get through more than three or four songs before the gorilla snaps and I have to be taken to the emergency room. People still buy my tickets, and if I stop I’m sued — so I have to keep going. It’s like my body is my prison.”
1. Chuck Swindoll: The sky is the limit for Charles.