Kobe Bryant: I Watched Kirk Cameron’s “Saving Christmas” And Now I Want To Pop All Of The Basketballs

I’ve been thinking a lot about basketballs lately.

Trust me: I lead an interesting life. I don’t really know what normal or sane is, as everything I have done in life has been mostly extraordinary.

Five NBA championships. MVP’s. All of my neckties are really long and drag on the dirty ground. I’m known as “Red Vine Man” in Hollywood because I always stuff a wad of Red Vines in my mouth when I’m tired of talking to people. I dab an amazing amount of grease and oil in my hair because I am afraid of wasps and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar called me and told me that this actually helps. I’m pretty sure I ran over a member of Jackson 5, and I refuse to find Nova Scotia on any sort of map due to principles.

Life is full. I’m a blessed man.

I’m juggling many creative projects these days. I need to keep my creative juices flowing, so I’ve become something of a cinephile. After a series of near-death experiences and gallons of rotten milk in my back yard, the cinema has led to me finally watch a movie written and directed by Kirk Cameron called Saving Christmas.

To be perfectly clear: I’ve tasted every species of round, moist cabbage in the Western Hemisphere. I once convinced Elton John to wear a dead turtle on his body  for an entire tour in 2003. I beat Tony Hawk in an Easter egg hunt on a tiny, minuscule skateboard — but I’ve never seen anything like Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.

I felt and did many things that night, but my immediate reaction wasn’t rage or fury or zeal.

Instead, I just want to pop all the basketballs, even during live games. I’d just walk right on court and try to get a bounce pass from somebody. The crowd would love it because I’m Kobe Bryant. I’d be in street clothes and everything. Russell Westbrook would stop dribbling and give me a firm pass, to which I would respond by curb-stomping the living daylights out of that stupid “air-circle.” SportsCenter top-ten immediately.

I want to find all the basketballs on God’s green earth and send a knife, sword, or bullet through them. If Shaquille was filming a commercial and happened to be holding a real basketball filled with dumb air, believe you me: I would take an expensive sharp diamond and explode it on camera.

That’s how I feel.

If Kim Jong-Un were holding two basketballs and wanted me to do a fancy dunk or spin to impress his entourage, I would sit on the ball so hard that it would pop and maybe disintegrate. He’d probably threaten nuclear war so I’d take that other basketball and pop it by shooting a fadeaway jumper into his face for America.

I wouldn’t stop being a patriot just because of all the ball popping, but I would creatively kill two birds with one stone by popping the ball and popping Kim’s gross face.

Let’s say President D. Trump collected Dixie Cups with cartoon characters on them and invited me over to see all of his Dixie Cups. But then Steven Spielberg called me to tell me that he got some new basketballs for a movie he was shooting called Jurassic Park: T-Rex Basketball League. Do you think I would go to see D.J. Trump’s lair and look at his neat cups? No. I would pop Spielberg’s basketballs instead.

That’s how serious I am. These are the strong feelings I have. After seeing Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, I want to pop every basketball.

Thanks a lot, Kirk.