Canadian Churches Bravely Ran A Super Bowl Ad Claiming To Have More Qualified Deacons

Canada looking to win the souls and tithes of the American pew dweller

It is safe to say that Super Bowl LI will be remembered, not only as an historic football game, but also a crisp, well-lit political battle. From Lady Gaga’s seven minute anti-Steven Seagal rant, to Mexico’s surprisingly late, yet tear-jerking endorsement of women’s suffrage — bombshells were a-droppin’, and there was no stoppin’.

Perhaps the most jaw-dropping moment took place mid way through the third quarter, when Canadian churches debuted an ad claiming to have more qualified deacons per-capita than their pagan neighbor to the South.

Our pasty, Canadian sources report that over the past five weeks, various Canadian churches began Kick Starter campaigns to raise the 25-million American dollars needed to run the two and half-minute ad. The commercial consisted entirely of a single slow-motion shot panning across a waving Canadian flag. Kenny G’s rendition of the Canadian favorite “Oh When the Saints Come Marching In” shrieked in the background as well. The ad also included segments of the following script fading in and out in large, neon-green Comic Sans font:

“America, we know these are uncertain and trying times you are facing. With the talk of wall building, immigration reform, and the fact that the Patriots will likely win another Super Bowl title, we, the Canadian Church, would like to remind you that we are here for you. Come give Canada a try. We have more qualified deacons per-capita than you. We also enjoy most of the same sports and tastes in food. So, come on by and give Canada a try.”

The American Church has yet to issue a formal reply. We can only assume there will be a long, arduous battle for the souls and tithes of the American pew-dweller.

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