According to fancy Christian numbers guy and soccer aficionado Dr. David L.L. Meade, Luke 21: 25-26 shows that recent events, such as the recent solar eclipse and Hurricane Harvey, are actually signs of the apocalypse.
Adorable!
Fancy David says that September 23rd, 2017 is the exact day in which the world will blow up or something else catastrophic will happen, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Here are 10 amazing things you should know about this “end of the world” prophecy:
1. Don’t bother learning how to type through Mavis Beacon Typing Tutorial Software, because you are going to be dead on that day and typing speed will not matter anymore. Sorry to be blunt here, but Mavis Beacon, typing Queen, will also die because of this apocalypse, so why even try to impress her? She’s going to be super dead.
2. We are going to die on September 23rd, 2017 because a big planet named Maurice is going to slam into our moist, green world, and Antifa is totally going to let it happen. Because all Antifa members are big fat jerks that wear black eyeliner, they won’t collectively punch, kick, or head-butt Planet Maurice right back where he belongs in another part of space not named “The Milky Way Galaxy.” They punch, kick, and head-butt everyone else, like Irish tourists, mopeds, and Charles Dickens novels, but they won’t punch, kick, and head-butt a stinkin’ runaway planet named Maurice.
3. You will never meet the third Olsen triplet, because she will be pretty dad gum dead too when a big old planet named Maurice bludgeons our fine, green world. Unlike Mary-Kate and Ashley, Brenda Olsen will escape in total anonymity. Sad!
4. You will be so dead when September 23, 2017 hits that it won’t even matter that you haven’t replaced your mop heads for a while. Your shame will be over. You will be free from this pain for good.
5. Birds have been acting really un-birdlike recently. All birds are going to die when Maurice rips free from whatever stupid planet loses its stickiness and lets him go, so birds have been walking a lot more like humans with knee injuries and concussions recently. Stumbling and bumbling about, they’ve ditched most of their feathers and now they will basically walk shamelessly naked through the city streets screaming, “The End Is Nigh!”
6. Chris Tomlin is releasing 2018’s Christmas album a tad earlier and, you know what? It’s not that bad. It’s actually pretty good.
7. Be prepared to gain another set of fingers. As we approach the time big Maurice sits on our planet and we all disintegrate into hot ash and tar, your body will go through some changes. You will grow lots of hair on your head (of course), and you will enjoy a whole new set of fingers. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to populate in one spot, so five fingers will randomly pop up on your body. But still!
