6 Signs It’s Finally Time To Leave Your Church

"Get out."

You’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears to these people — but times: they are a’changing. It’s never easy to pull the trigger on leaving a church you’ve given your life to, but here are six signs it is finally time to pack it up and start over somewhere new:

1. Your pastor suddenly begins each sermon by clapping the words of “Cinderella” by Steven Curtis Chapman: It is certainly a classic father-daughter dance number, but believe us: it sounds nothing like the real S. Curtis Chapman hit when only the syllables are clapped out and no real music is played. Now, imagine the pastor using four to five minutes of his sermon time just to pull this off. The moment your pastor begins to make this transition, get out of Dodge.

2. Nobody fills your arms up with a helping of warm barbeque ribs or beef stroganoff when you immediately walk into the church: Your desirable, potent arms used to be filled with delectable meats in years past, and you loved it. It was so warm and comfortable. It was all you knew. Now things are different — you walk into the building, full of wonderment and joy, only to be denied the opportunity to carry pounds of ribs up to the sanctuary in your boney body-branches. “Where’s the beef?” you ask semi-ironically, until you realize there actually isn’t any to be piled into your sweaty arms. What a disgrace.

3. Every Sunday, Tim Allen of Last Man Standing and Tool Time smokes Cuban cigars in your car: Why would he single out your Honda Civic? He lives nowhere near you and is a Hollywood star. Why would he put you and your family through this? The trouble he must put himself through to fly to the nearest airport, find your church, locate your car, break in, and smoke a stogie in your front seat is insane. This is a clear sign you need to get out of there.

4. A beleaguered and fatigued Mother Theresa impersonator switches all the church TV’s to CNN: Wolf Blitzer is a complete and total mess. This obviously exhausted and overworked Mother Theresa impersonator is a promulgator of  what Pres. D. Trump labels “Nasty, Fake News,” and you need to find a new family ASAP.

5. You are now given “The Thimble Of Uncertainty” and asked to injest every Essential Oil at parties: “Guinea Pig” Becky always received the horrible thimble, and she always injested an incredible amount of each oil variety. She was the one who would fall incredibly ill for months and experience organ failure semi-annually. Now the “Thimble Of Uncertainty” has been placed into your hands as all the surrounding women sing a song eerily similar to “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder. Time to hit the road, Jaclyn.

6. Anytime you are in the presence of a brother or sister, you are blindfold. This is a real relationship-killer. Get out.

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