Everyone has a Fidget spinner these days — even Kathy Gifford and Sufjan Stevens. These incredible devices are pretty great at what they do, but are incredibly problematic for youth leaders. Here are five warnings for pastors who want to welcome Fidgets into their youth group this fall with open arms:
1. The solemn humming noise produced by a Fidget in full-flight will awaken and attract a disheveled, isolated, and attention-starved Roseanne Barr: As Roseanne Barr enters that uncomfortable, lonely stage of life that most former Hollywood actors experience, it is best not to provoke or awaken her from hibernation. In case Roseanne does wander into your youth room because of heavy Fidget use, set out between four and six large bowls of candied yams and horse grease for her to snack on. Dim the lights and assign a willing student to softly mimic the cry of an adolescent wolf. This will keep her busy for a few hours. When youth group is over, guide her out into the parking lot, bid her a farewell, and call the fire department.
2. Fidgets were invented by not one, but two outspoken Harry Potters: We know the Fidget is the brain-child of Harry P. and Harry P., but what we do not know is how much nasty black magic they used to get it done. If you must allow Fidgets, and you are concerned that they might autonomously levitate or articulate complete thoughts through devilish means, contact your local Pentacostal. He’ll know what to do.
3. Fernando Ortega, after not using a Fidget and later finding the perfect jean at Cracker Barrel, wrote a twenty-minute power ballad absolutely forbidding the use of Fidgets in youth groups: Ortega clearly saw the evils of the Fidget: If he had bought one, he would not own “the best pair of jeans on God’s green earth.” His long ballad was about this exact issue. Nothing more. Nothing less. “I have one purpose in ministry: glorifying God by preventing the purchase and use of the terrible Fidget,” he would later say. “Every child deserves the perfect jean.”
4. John Piper, curious and full of child-like wonder, spun one in each hand, left the ground, sang a majestic hymn, fell on every last cast member of the Broadway musical Hamilton, and subsequently jammed his fingers pretty hard: Ouch! Steer clear of Fidgets.
5. Grenades, poison, and lines of cocaine can be easily affixed to the modern Fidget: Gangs are buying these Fidgets like Donald Trump buys those exceedingly long ties that go down to his knees. They are using them to participate in all kinds of lewd acts, such as poisoning eachother and hurling “FidgeBombs” at rival gangs. The last thing we want in our youth groups is increased gang activity. Confiscate all Fidgets by adopting a Russian gymnast and allowing her to do all the dirty work.