Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently met with a group of pastors in Texas, hoping to find common ground. Together, they brainstormed ideas to improve their local communities. “I met with ministers in Waco who are helping their congregations find deeper meaning in a changing world,” claimed Zuckerberg, Millennial Billionaire and humanitarian. Here are five things we learned from the handsome meeting:
1. Accredited pastors can finally use the font “Comic Sans” when they post on Facebook.
After hours of sitting around the table in complete silence, Zuckerberg and his partner, Mark Wahlberg, agreed to allow certain accredited pastors to use the grand font of theological biscuit-bakers everywhere. Get ready: pastors all over will be serving moist theological knowledge-biscuits full-time in Comic Sans.
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2. Evangelical Facebook users will no longer experience a punishing surge of electricity entering their bone-bags when they share the “Who’s in the House” music video from Carman.
Christians will be over-joyed to find out in their local newspapers that they will no longer fall prey to Facebook’s “Death-Shock” after they share Carman’s rap video.
3. Christians will earn “Rick Warren Bucks” when they share memes promoting good environmental stewardship.
These Rick Warren Bucks can be used to buy recycled, already-eaten-and-repackaged meals — delivered straight to your door.
4. Christians can add a second Facebook account as long as they claim the account is actually their twin.
We can finally own two Facebook accounts to spread Bethel Church’s Glittery Glory Cloud of God to our friends and neighbors. However, if your name is Fenton, your second account better be your handsome twin, Jenton.
5. Churches that use Facebook Live to broadcast their services will be visited by “The Christmas Brick-Mason” annually.
Zuckerberg will send The Glorious Christmas Brick-Mason to calm your fears. He will build a brick edifice to prove to all of your brothers and sisters that the “War on Christmas” died along with his sensational, well-aged pooch, Morpheus.