There are many different ways to raise a boy or girl, and almost none of them produce the results we hope for. Ten’s of people have used NEEPS to raise darling, handsome children. Here’s how to do it:
1. Neatly place your child in a vat of “Tough Love.”
When your child lets you down or soils the family crest, let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you will be cutting them off from food, clothing, and a place to live. They’ll think hard next time they consider disappointing you publicly.
2. Enforce “The Labor Hour.”
A fun thing to do for your kids is to give them an impossible job to complete, like filling a bucket with water using only cups with holes in the bottom, or rearranging rocks in your front driveway. This will teach them that there are some things in life that you have to do that are completely pointless.
3. Enact “The Bomb.”
If your child starts talking about a boy or a girl at school, place a metaphorical bomb on that subject and let it explode. This metaphorical “explosion” can be a real explosion that makes you “die,” or you can distract your child by putting on layer after layer of coats. If there’s one thing that’s worse than teen angst and emotion, it’s pre-adolescent glee and flirting.
4. Pour some truth into their “Brain Pan.”
There’s no time like the present to explain the responsibilities of being an adult to your child. Start with something light, like the crushing weight of working full-time, and trying to support a family while feeling like you’re getting nowhere. They’ll soon understand that growing up to be an accountant is just a pipe-dream worth metaphorically “exploding.”
5. Spray them with a “Word of Resurrection.”
Reinforce your child’s desire to work hard at whatever they do. Whether it’s sorting coffee grounds into “wet” or “moderately wet,” or encouraging them to breathe heavily on down-beats, always tell them something like, “Well, that’s certainly one way to do it,” or “I see why you would have thought to do it that way, Praemus, because you are not as well-seasoned as I.”