5 Christians Explain Why They Got Tattoos

Impressive.

Tattoos are amazing and beautiful, but in Christian circles, they are incredibly controversial. Are they a pagan symbol for idol worship? Do they glorify the flesh? Will the ghost of Billy Sunday appear and remove all of your teeth? What an amazing time to be alive! These five Christians explain why took the risk and got tattoos:

“I was apprehensive about getting a tattoo, because I knew there would be a lot of pain wherever that sharp needle touched my skin. My best friend, Brenda Santa-Gilstrap, came with me, and she calmed me right down after I stood on the table, whipped some batteries at the other patrons, and whistled the song of my ancestors. Then The Wizard entered the room and shushed me. He shushed and shushed and shushed me some more. After showing me some clips from the 90’s Nickelodeon sitcom All That and giving me small pox, The Wizard applied the needle to my flabby arm. He gave me the perfect tattoo: the cover of Leo Tolstoy’s novel War and Peace.”

-Tranch Woolsmouth

“I was next door purchasing fancy socks when The Wizard beckoned me with his incredible buffet spread. I entered expecting to fill my stomach with some barbecue brisket, but Wizard had other plans. He explained to me and my poodles that the pain would be astounding, but only temporary. He took the wallet out of my back pocket, swiped my credit card and cried for five minutes. He took the incredibly sharp needle, said a prayer, and drew twin Gumbies.”

-Alan Greese

 “While The Wizard burned designs on my skin with the big black needle, I took a peak under the table because I had heard some nasty rumors about his knees. The rumors were true: I couldn’t believe how many knee pads he was wearing. Four layers of knee pads on each knee. After asking him about his knee pads, he drew a new tattoo on the inside of my bicep. It read: ‘Mind your own business.'”

 –Brittney Passionfruit

“The Wizard filed a lawsuit the moment I walked in. He sued me and got everything. Now I live on the streets with the Olsen Triplets.”

-Priest Folderstand

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