10 Common Myths Your Pastor Wants You To Stop Believing

"He is certainly not strong enough to eject your limp body into the Mighty Mississippi." 

This post was put together with the help of several Pastors who really know their junk and are ridiculously tired of these myths being passed around like drugs or candy or footballs.

1. Beth Moore is the only one who is allowed to publicly trash one of those stupid-looking dinosaurs in Jurassic ParkBelieve us, you can write a public diss track about that nasty, moist T-Rex too and, in incredible detail, painfully describe how he affects your emotions.

2. Finding a puddle of blood in the sanctuary with several golf balls surrounding it is NBD. This is a big deal. If you find this, call your Senator.

3. If you prophesy the end of the world incorrectly, a series of unfortunate events will lead to you begging Kim Jong-Un to return your hedge-trimmers for Labor Day weekend. This is a MYTH, but maybe don’t make false prophecies, Dad.

4. You have to smile while Sarah Palin just shares palindromes during special music. There is no rule that says you must make your mouth look friendly.

5. Your disgusting, caveman of an “Announcement Guy” is spreading his flees to the entire congregation and your dog’s shampoo will do the trick. Shampoo will not help this nasty man. He must be thrown outside of the camp, never to return.

6. Rhonda knows why you’re a bad, incompetent mother. Don’t listen to “Big R.” Only you know why you’re bad at being your child’s nearest female ancestor.

7. Reciting this rhyme will keep you from heresy when explaining the Trinity. “The Father’s not the Son, the Spirit’s not the Son, The Father’s not the Spirit, whichever way you steer it. Now open up that spray paint, find the train that nearest, let’s tag our gang’s symbol on it, hurry the cops are comin’.”

8. Wheel chairs aren’t funny. They are a little bit.

9. If you don’t pay close attention to the horrible Announcement Fiend, he has the strength to throw you into the River several times. You don’t have to pay attention to him, and he is certainly not strong enough to eject your limp body into the Mighty Mississippi.

10. You can have 100’s of tiny pianos in your church, but you are not allowed to have one big one. FALSE. Despite what many may lead you to believe, you can put the Big Bertha of pianos in your sanctuary without getting arrested.

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