Sit still, breathe deeply, and enjoy Shaq’s strong hands as they rub the “Hot Stuff” into your achey muscles. Don’t you dare forget to share the Gospel with the “Shaq-Diesel,” however. You may never get another chance. Here are five evangelism methods to convert Shaq into a Christian.
1. “The Melted Oboe”
“The Melted Oboe” is the perfect evangelism technique for kleptomaniacs and those under investigation for theft. This simple, three-step method will ensure that both share the Gospel clearly and remain “winsome” and “nuanced.”
Step 1: Roll some stolen diamonds across the floor.
Step 2: Take a deep breath as four-time NBA champion Shaquille O’Neal puts down the ICY HOT tube and follows the clanging noises.
Step 3: Replace the money in Shaq’s wallet with a message that reads “You are under the wrath of God, lest you repent and turn to Christ.”
2. “The Kristi Yamaguchi”
Step 1: Shake violently to alarm Shaq while he presses his ICY HOT deep into your lower back muscles.
Step 2: Keep your eyes on the back of the room and do not answer Shaq as he asks you if you are indeed “alive.”
Step 3: Throw yourself on the ground, shake, and begin quoting John 3:16.
Step 4: Discipleship.
3. “The Donald Trump”
This method is “yuuuge,” trust us.
Step 1: Open your Twitter app as Shaq dumps a glob of the white hot stuff into his meaty paws.
Step 2: Wait for it…
Step 3: Tweet to your twenty-six followers that Shaq is “hurting you,” “won’t let you take deep breaths,” or listen to Nora Jones.
Step 4: Show Shaq your tweets.
Step 5: While Shaq is scolding you, open up a drafted Tweet that reads “God is Holy, you are sinful, Shaq,” and show it to him.
4. “The Horseradish Technique”
Step 1: Massage some horseradish into your hair and scalp prior to your rendezvous.
Step 2: Wait until Shaq’s throat closes up due to an intense allergic reaction.
Step 3: Ask Shaq if he knows where he will go when he dies.
5. “The Tyrannosaurus Rex”
“The Tyrannosaurus Rex” is for more advanced Evangelists and should be used with caution. Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon nearly drowned because an earnest, overly-excited Evangelist was unprepared.
Step 1: Allow Shaq adequate time to rub his entire tube of ICY HOT into your incredibly sore muscles.
Step 2: Invite the cast of Jurassic Park into the locker room, but do not let them make too much of a ruckus. Scold them if necessary.
Step 3: Pay Jeff Goldblum a compliment.
Step 4: Send Jeff Goldblum into a fury with a harsh critique of his work.
(Shaq will begin to feel uneasy)
Step 5: As Shaq intervenes to protect you from Jeff Goldblum’s fists, you ask Shaq if he has ever broken one of the Ten Commandments.