Christians have been known to do embarrassing things from time to time. From literally dancing with the wolves, to loudly asking for directions to the nearest Wendy’s franchise when going through a toll booth, Christians can be too heavenly-minded to recognize normal earthling behaviors.
To help you be a little less obnoxious during your next grocery store visit, here are five embarrassing mistakes Christians make at the grocery store that you should avoid like the Pagan Rat Plague of 1805:
1. Building a fort out of grocery baskets in the produce section
I don’t care what the application portion of your pastor’s last sermon said, this is not acceptable. Yes, most children will praise your uncanny ability to recreate “Helm’s Deep” with grocery baskets, plastic bags, and lettuce, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is an embarrassing Christian gaffe one should avoid.
2. Asking the butcher for meats that haven’t been sacrificed to Beyonce
We acknowledge that your conscience may prohibit you from eating meats that have been sacrificed to idols. However, your butcher doesn’t need to listen to you quote 1 Corinthians from memory, and explain how the New Testament was written in Koine Greek. Google your meat’s sacrifice status before going to the store, and save some of your shinny, wet face.
3. Singing “Sucrose is Sugar” as you read the nutritional content of your favorite breakfast cereal
Most pagans have never heard this Christian lullaby and will think you have lost all of your slippery brain marbles. Save the singing for the car ride home and refrain from calling Cap’n Crunch “the scurvy-ridden sea dog of the apocalypse.” Also embarrassing.
4. Starting a canned beans juggling contest
Non-Christians won’t understand the beauty and grace of this age old sanctified tradition. Save the “mean bean juggle machine” routine for next week’s Baptist Potluck Games.
5. Asking for the missionary kid discount
Ok, so your parents spent most of their saggy, grown-up lives sweating buckets and telling Bible stories in the jungles of Malaysia. This is a noble thing. Asking the clerk for the MK discount, however, is not noble and will get you and your droopy parents laughed out of your favorite food-filled store.