WOW: Elevation Church Members Will Only Be Slightly Electrocuted When They Touch Steven Furtick’s Beautiful Microphone

Furtick insists on being the only man to grip the "Girthy Microphone of Sweet Vision."

After years of borderline torture and dismemberment of violators of Elevation Church’s “Rule Numero Uno,” church leaders, along with vision-caster Steven Furtick, have finally decided to tone it down a bit: they will only lightly electrocute those who dare to touch Furtick’s “Girthy Microphone of Sweet Vision.”

“It’s been a long time coming. I’m thankful for the six fingers they left me with, and I totally deserved the time I spent spotting Furtick at the gym with a shock collar around my gross neck, but these are different times,” reflected five-year Elevation Church member Dan Dingus. “Although, to this day, I recognize that they adequately and fairly disciplined me for illegally wielding that beautiful, girthy mic that only belongs to “The Beautiful Vision-Caster.”

Furtick, whose hands are moist and mostly fine, insists on being the only man to grip the “Girthy Microphone of Sweet Vision.” “The GMSV is the key to my rich success and perseverance through all the difficult times I’ve had, like when my handsome brother used the battery up on my Playstation controller. When someone else touches my warm mic, we will electrocute them lightly in a mostly humane way.”

“Gone are the days that we chain a fellow up in a moldy dungeon for touching Furtick’s microphone. We will now use a different tactic.”

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