Catholics Will Simply Not Do These Things

If you're Catholic, you simply will not do any of these things!

If you are Catholic, you wouldn’t be caught dead doing any of these six things.

1. Purchasing an alpaca farm

Alpacas are wolves in llama’s clothing and represent the teachings of heretics and apostates. A true, self respecting Catholic would not purchase a farm filled with “Lucifer’s coat hangers,” no matter how good of a deal one were to offer him on Craig’s List.

2. Indulging in a Pasta Bread Bowl

This starchy, carb-alicious treat served in an edible container in local Domino’s establishments world wide is abhorrent to authentic, salt of the earth Catholics. “Put bread-bowls in your mouth, watch your soul go south” is a nifty little rhyme all Catholic children hear from their mother’s face holes. True Catholics will do well to heed those verbal, rhyming instructions.

3. Reciting “Samson’s Forbidden Sonnet” in front of strangers

These secret one-hundred and fourty syllables are reserved for Catholic-only gatherings and close friends and families.

4. Handing out “I massed” stickers after mass

Post mass rituals often include high-fives, bellowing contests, and arduous games of tic-tac-toe. They do not, however, include passing out stickers to all who attended with the words “I Massed” on them. Unacceptable.

5. Protesting the free popcorn at the local car dealership

Catholics don’t mind the free, heavily buttered and lightly salted “corn fluffers” handed out at local car dealerships. If you’re a Catholic, you’ll leave this practice unmolested.

6. Dressing up like an alpaca for Halloween

One cannot overstate the Catholic Church’s dislike of “nature’s sin bags.” These large, awkward mammals are covered in the “furry hide of iniquity” and bear the “shameful face of displeasure.” If you’re a Catholic, you would never be found dressed up like the “scandalous wrongdoers of the animal kingdom.”

 

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Life
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