Easter is quickly approaching, and your decent children with nice heads of hair will either perform or watch the beautiful Easter Cantata from damp pews, which happen to be full of other human bags of bones and meat. These children told us why they won’t be performing this year, and it will knock your galoshes off.
“I have participated in my church’s Easter Cantata four nasty years in a row. Now I am simply known as ‘Cantata Master Colby’ in children’s church. I receive shirts and cards from friends and family every year that say, ‘You are the most impressive Cantata Boy, and your status will never change until you turn blue with death.’ I’m sick of being known as the venerable Cantata Boy.”
“I love to perform in Cantatas. However, I am half spirit and half human. It is difficult for me to ‘act natural’ as our director constantly and emphatically mumbles at me with Wheat Thin crumbs in her hair.
“Four things inevitably take place when I participate in the great American challenge known as the Easter Cantata. First, Bill Murray of ‘Caddy Shack’ tries to give me tips on looking more natural and less like a half-human-half-spirit being. Second, I fall into the baptismal and must be rescued before I drown and go the way of the pioneers. Third, my disgusting choir director mumbles at me with Wheat Thins pouring out of her full mouth. And finally, I ascend to the first, second, and third heaven, return, and am hungry for some of those delicious ‘Thins’. I simply cannot do Cantata’s anymore.”
“I have been called many things, but not a quitter. I simply cannot look natural as a human-looking spirit.”