These 5 Children Dutifully Explain Why They Won’t Be Performing In Their Church’s Easter Cantata This Year

"Cantata's are God's way of saying, 'You are an average singer and even worse actor...'"

Easter is quickly approaching, and your decent children with nice heads of hair will either perform or watch the beautiful Easter Cantata from damp pews, which happen to be full of other human bags of bones and meat. These children told us why they won’t be performing this year, and it will knock your galoshes off.

Colby Billiun

I have participated in my church’s Easter Cantata four nasty years in a row. Now I am simply known as ‘Cantata Master Colby’ in children’s church. I receive shirts and cards from friends and family every year that say, ‘You are the most impressive Cantata Boy, and your status will never change until you turn blue with death.’ I’m sick of being known as the venerable Cantata Boy.”

Cylindra Meatcrunch

I love to perform in Cantatas. However, I am half spirit and half human. It is difficult for me to ‘act natural’ as our director constantly and emphatically mumbles at me with Wheat Thin crumbs in her hair.

Christina Forts

“Four things inevitably take place when I participate in the great American challenge known as the Easter Cantata. First, Bill Murray of ‘Caddy Shack’ tries to give me tips on looking more natural and less like a half-human-half-spirit being. Second, I fall into the baptismal and must be rescued before I drown and go the way of the pioneers. Third, my disgusting choir director mumbles at me with Wheat Thins pouring out of her full mouth. And finally, I ascend to the first, second, and third heaven, return, and am hungry for some of those delicious ‘Thins’. I simply cannot do Cantata’s anymore.”

Gomer Pillsbury

“I have been called many things, but not a quitter. I simply cannot look natural as a human-looking spirit.”

Golf Tanzania 

“Cantata’s are God’s way of saying, ‘You are an average singer and even worse actor. You are significantly worse than those children who don’t even have full human bodies and can’t really act natural during the performance. You are awful. Now prove it in front of all these people.'”

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