Stocking Stuffer: Zondervan’s New Line of Shock-Collars Will Brutally Awaken Your Spouse in Church

Randy and Gwenneth have faithfully attended Spokane Family Church for twelve years, but rarely has Randy made it through an entire service without catching a few Z’s. “It’s sort of...

Randy and Gwenneth have faithfully attended Spokane Family Church for twelve years, but rarely has Randy made it through an entire service without catching a few Z’s. “It’s sort of embarrassing,” asserted Gwenneth as she arbitrarily held her peanut butter sandwich above her head, “Randy will get through the first forty-five minutes. Then, as Pastor Maurice begins his sermon, the death-spiral begins. First, he adjusts himself to a more relaxed position while scratching his patchy, unkempt beard. Then he closes his eyes, which leads to him laying down across everyone’s legs in our pew. It’s horrifying.” “I’ve done all I can do,” Randy claimed. “But now that Zondervan created a new line of shock-collars that will brutally wake me up when I fall asleep, I know I’ll be able to feast on the Word in 2017.”

The concept is simple: if you’re prone to falling asleep during your pastor’s topical sermon on budgeting, your spouse will hold the handy, ergonomically-sound remote, ready for the big moment. As soon as your eyeballs disappear behind that weird skin known as “eye-lids,” she’ll push the button and voila! Your happy dream will become a nightmare of surging electricity traveling through your quaking meat-castle.

“The pain is unbearable, but it’s nothing compared to the pain of letting all of my friends and family down by falling asleep during Pastor Maurice’s sermon. Thanks Zondervan!”

Stuff your stockings this year with Zondervan’s new line of shock-collars designed to brutally keep your family awake in church.

 

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