In the back of Salem Bible Church sits Garth Branth, a black-haired man with eyes of coal. Branth, usually careful and precise with the buttons on the sound board, finally put together a string of mistakes that would make Jim Bakker blush: “The pianist was told to open the service with ‘Blessed Assurance.’ Instead, she played ‘Crown Him With Many Crowns.’ I was beside myself: could our sound guy be any more careless?”
That wasn’t all: Reverend Gary accidentally wrote down the wrong verse and spent a half a minute searching for the right one. Everyone was horrified as they turned and stared at “Lucifer’s Sound Man” (as the children now call him): “I couldn’t believe what that sound guy was doing. It was like he was trying to sabotage our service and force everyone to lose their salvations like a pack of Arminians with other people’s Netflix passwords. Our sound guy is probably listening to hard rock and has sold his soul to Satan,” forcefully projected Lindsey Tattlesnicker.
Finally, as everyone left the sanctuary, the rabid sound man pulled his final stunt. Sarah Brightbottom recalls, “During our benediction, not one, but two babies began crying simultaneously. What kind of monster are we dealing with?”