Opinion: After Hacking Ryan’s TrumpCare Presentation, It’s Perry Noble’s World Now

If cyber security wasn’t a national security concern before, it is now. Yesterday morning, a nervous and hungry Paul Ryan pitched the GOP’s new healthcare bill to the citizens...

If cyber security wasn’t a national security concern before, it is now.

Yesterday morning, a nervous and hungry Paul Ryan pitched the GOP’s new healthcare bill to the citizens of the United States, and, without warning, a smiling Perry Noble took over. Large, gummy smile. Big, wet eyes. Whispers hardly audible, and a small whistle with every “S” pronounced. Incessant blinking and large, labored jumps to show off his verticle leaping ability. It quickly became the Perry Noble Show, and we all had to watch it.

Some thought it to be an unbelievably wonderful prank by the defrocked NewSpring Church pastor turned motivational speaker. Others found it in poor taste. Regardless of your personal feelings regarding the publicity stunt, one fact is painfully obvious: If Perry Noble can hack into secret government presentations and show off his oily smiles, what can’t he do? 

It’s Perry’s World now. We’re living in it.

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s 4:00am, and you’re just getting out of bed. You are heading to your professional flossing class in Hawaii, so you check the phone for a weather report and BLAMMY! “Perry Noble Face” obstructs your vision and you fall into a deep trance. In your trance, you meet up with an old cobler seeking to fix your tattered shoes. He explains his geopolitical views and offers you some Red Bull, but you politely refuse. 

You wake up. It is the following Wednesday, and you are fired from your job and no longer will be flossing teeth professionally. 

As you leave your foreclosed home for the last time, you walk out into the streets and realize what you’ve become: a beggar. A vegabond. A transient. Your world is being turned upside down, and now you eat donut chunks that fall from horses’ mouths onto the ground at a racetrack. What a disgusting mess you’ve become. 

As you wander the streets, burning your hands repeatedly on those barrels the homeless use for fires, a middle-aged man named Trent invites you to his home for a meal, as he feels incredibly embarrassed by you. You sit down for supper and Trent offers you a job in the CIA. You take it and start the following week, excited to have regular meals again and to participate in public service. 

After twenty years of service in the CIA, you become the President of the United States. During your first press conference as President, you decide to show a slideshow, and BOOM! “Perry Noble Face.” The cycle continues. 

Friends: don’t you see what will become of us all? This is Perry Noble’s World, and “Perry Noble Face” will bring us all to ruin.

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