No matter what everyone says — my friends, my wife, my kids, my dogs, the tape I listen to at night, those stray cats, my yoga instructor, my reflection in the mirror — I’m going to give it the ol’ “JD Hall Best” and play a few snaps for the Atlanta Falcons during Super Bowl LI. As far-fetched as this seems, this is one of my dreams: to play in the Super Bowl. I will do everything in my power to accomplish it.
When I was a boy, I could only watch as my friends tossed the warm pigskin to one another in the blistering Montana heat. They would constantly jump over each other and scream out inscrutable plays and cadences. I had to just sit there with my bowl of soup and an old tire I named “Gumby.” You see, I was unable to play because I was too busy inventing “The Catapult.” Yes that catapult. I incredulously spent my entire childhood thinking that I was inventing a brand-new contraption that could launch large bolders into the air and knock down stone buildings. Turns out, it had already been invented in 400 BC by the Greeks.
I lost a lot of time doing a meaningless, meticulous task that almost nobody was going to benefit from. We have tanks and fighter-jets now, for Pete’s sake. Oh man, what was I even thinking. I didn’t even finish the thing. Dad chopped it up after it had been sitting in our garage for a while and used it for firewood.
Anyways, I’m going to make up for my lost childhood by subbing myself into the game near the beginning of the second-quarter, and we’ll see what happens. You’ll know it’s me because I will be yelling inscrutable cadences, and I will be jumping over all of my teammates.
In preparation for this day, I spent the better part of last year working on an end-zone celebration. It’s a secret, but lets just say it has never been done before and involves a sharpie and a camera. I hope I get to do it because I missed a lot of my kids’ football games last year due to the extensive practice.