Are you a fan of watching grown men in tights throw around a fully-inflated pig-skin of masculinity? If so, you will not miss watching this year’s Super Bowl face-off between the New England Pat-Riots and the Atalanta Foul-Kins. Before throwing another proverbial shrimp of boredom on the renowned barbie of American traditions, consider sprucing things up a bit this year by hosting a Mennonite Super Bowl Party (MSBP)! Just follow these simple steps:
1. Loudly invite all your office buddies, except for Gordon.
A good, old fashioned MSBP always begins with verbally belittling anyone audacious enough to call himself Gordon. Gordons have long been the vivacious enemies of Mennonite gatherings.
2. Insist on loudly announcing each guest as he arrives.
Sounds like a normal Super Bowl party, right? Wrong! You must also loudly announce each guest’s favorite type of cheese. You don’t want your Mozzarella-types mixing with the Asiago’s.
3. Skip the ceremonial burning of the cargo shorts at kickoff.
We acknowledge this is Super Bowl etiquette, but you’re throwing a Mennonite Super Bowl here. You will need to forego this tradition entirely.
4. Lead your guests in a 30-second standing ovation after each completed pass.
Mennonites love catching things, from balls of yarn to soggy hymnals. They also like to celebrate others catching things. Be sure to celebrate with the appropriate amount of hand-chirping.
5. Save the spinach pie for halftime.
It is taboo to eat the spinach pie before halftime. You can wait.
6. Eat all of the spinach pie before the fourth quarter.
The Mennonites encapsulated this tradition in a simple rhyme, “The spinach that’s saved until the fourth quarter, will make you less wealthy and four inches shorter.”
7. Read excerpts from the hymn “Blessed Assurance” after any points are scored.
Thirty-seconds per point-scored is an appropriate length. Be sure emphasize every third syllable.