Sure, sometimes it’s cute when old people don’t understand modern things — like when your Grandmum spent hours walking up the wrong side of the escalator, or when your eldest Uncle took a nap under the family van because: “Hey, what is that thing?” However, we must remember that old people are the Angels’ way of making us stop and think about how things work.
This is why we’ve compiled a list of nine simple steps to help you explain Facebook to your Grandpepper:
1. Draw him a sketch of Mark Zuckerberg’s hairless face and let him color it in
Your Grandpapa will never understand Facebook unless he fills Zuckerberg’s pasty face in with glorious neon colors. We’ve all had to color Marky Z’s mug when we signed up for Facebook, but now it is no longer a requirement. Do your Eldest Relative a solid, and give him a chance to fill Mark’s face with some pigments.
2. Do a load of laundry
Your Granddaddy will not be able to listen to you drone on and on about the development and code used on Facebook, “America’s After-Party,” if he’s worried about having dirty clothes to wear to the barber tomorrow. First do the laundry, then sit your Grandpops down for the Facebook talk.
3. Use World War II analogies
If you don’t berate your Abuelo with wave after wave of WW2 analogies, his humid brain will not comprehend Facebook. Tell him how “friends” are like “allies,” “pokes” are like “mortar shells,” and how each Facebook profile is allotted a limited ration of “Digital Cigarettes” that can be traded for food and favor with the locals.
4. Dispense with the pleasantries
Insisting on starting and ending each sentence with a “please” or a “thank you very much” will only frustrate your Grandfather to pieces. Do yourself a favor and give it to him straight. Mark Zuckerberg’s colorless face is counting on you.
5. Upload a picture of Dutch soccer legend, Johan Cruyff, as your profile picture
A crisp, high resolution photograph of “the Cruyffer” will remind your Grandpaps of his “Dutch Memorabilia” days, and it will show him that you mean business. Now he knows you will not stop until he can navigate the mysterious world of Facebook on his own.
6. Show him the profile page of every friend you have
Take time to show your Grandmother’s boyfriend the profile pages of every friend you have on Facebook. After perusing through their photos, make sure you leave the appropriate version of the following phrase on each friend’s page before you move on: “My Grandfather approves/disapproves of our friendship.” Grandpa is now beginning to get the picture, and is shedding his nasty exoskeleton of Facebook ignorance.
7. Let him practice on the paper version of Facebook
Make a styrofoam laptop and paste a piece of paper on the “screen.” Allow your Grandpops to make a “profile page” with a pencil and photograph of himself. For several months, have him use the postal service to mail pictures of himself, posts, comments, and hand-drawn Emoji’s to all of his friends, multiple times a day. Once he understand Paper Facebook, he’ll be ready for the real deal.
8. Spend an afternoon volunteering at the local dump
Build an igloo out of cans and metal scraps and encourage your Grandfather to take a nap inside. When he wakes up a few hours later, he’ll be surprised to find himself in another bigger igloo as he crawls out of the smaller one. “There couldn’t be another, third, even bigger igloo, could there?” he’ll ask himself. No, there isn’t. Remind him you are not one of those disgusting Garbage Eskimos. Not only is this a good bonding experience, it will also teach your Grandad about the powers and responsibilities that come with using Facebook.
9. Fill his kitchen sink with raw ground beef and watch as an incandescent lightbulb finally appears over his head
Stuff some raw hamburger in Grandpops sink, sit back, and watch as he comes to understand the purpose and use of Facebook. Filling the sink of your Father’s Father with bloody, ground-up cow’s meat will help the proverbial lights of his brain house to light up like the Fourth of July!