It’s time for me to come clean — like those little knobs on my wife’s sock drawer that she polishes every night before bed.
I must confess to you all that I’ve never used one of those self-inflating rafts. I’ve been living with this burden for upwards of forty years now — forty long, grueling years marked by a lack of yellow, plastic cubes that balloon into a raft when a someone pulls on the string attached to it.
Well, now I’m coming clean, like those clean little drawer handles.
You see, I’ve done quite well over the years. From fathering beautiful children, to building a massive church near Atlanta, Georgia, the city filled with walking, moaning zombies in the Walking Dead TV series. I love TV. I’m a televangelist, in case you didn’t know.
Anyways, the point is that I’ve been successful in my life, but I’ve just never yanked on a cord and watched as a plastic raft emerged from a tightly-packed box, just like you see on movies.
I guess this all started when I was but a boy. Pops would let me watch cartoon after cartoon. Then, some animated creature would tug on a string and POOF! it’s Raft Time, baby!
Pops, however, bought me a total of zero rafts that could fill themselves up if you pulled on an attached rope. That’s when I knew I must never tell another living soul about the lack of rafts in my life.
My raft-less life has haunted me to this day.
When I first told my wife, she said to me, “Sweet Sticks! You thin, snappy man, you! That’s nothin’ to be ashamed of. Why would you even need a plastic, life-saving flotation device shaped like a yellow raft?”
She was partly right. I’ve never experienced a shipwreck. I’ve never jumped out of a helicopter into the freezing ocean and needed a portable flotation device that could inflate itself in a matter of seconds to save my soggy life.
Half of her was wrong that day, though: it was that sick part of her that said, “that’s nothin’ to be ashamed of.”
I’ve carried this burden long enough, but it’s time to let the world know. I, Creflo Dollar, have never ever used a raft that comes pre-packed in a rectangular shape and will fill itself up with air when someone tugs on it’s rope tail.