Bullet Dodged: Saddleback Church’s Baptizing Robot Is Really Glad We Backed Out Of The Paris Agreement

What a blessing.

President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he is withdrawing the US from the Paris climate accord, and Saddleback Church’s baptizing robot, Horatio, couldn’t be happier.

What a blessing.

Horatio, a BIGSPLASHROBO 6000, was visibly overjoyed when he heard Trump’s speech at the Rose Garden. “We want fair treatment,” Trump said. “We don’t want other countries and other leaders to laugh at us anymore.”

Horatio runs almost exclusively on fossil fuel and leaves an incredibly large carbon footprint for his small size. “We really dodged a bullet here,” Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church tweeted. “Despite the amount of nasty poison Horatio personally expels — enormous amounts of smog flowing into the air — he helps us baptize people with incredible efficiency.”

“Losing Horatio would’ve been a huge blow,” Cindy Nixon, a member of the church, told us. “Pastor Warren would have to get wet by himself, and we could be spontaneously baptizing genuine believers for days. The line is always insane, especially if you don’t buy the bracelet ahead of time.”


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