Some things are hard to do, like bowling a perfect 300, stacking all of your grandmother’s mugs on top of each other, and getting to know your neighbors. Well, we’ve developed the TROUSER method, a fool-proof, week long way to help you meet your neighbors. It may help you with bowling and stacking Grandmumps mugs too, but we haven’t tried it out yet. But here’s a step by step guide to help you navigate the swampy, mucous-like waters of meeting your neighbors so you can love on those nameless, barely-recognizable people.
T (Day 1): Treat them to trousers
Buy dozens of trousers and stuff them into every mailbox you can find in your neighborhood. You want to do this early in the morning so nobody sees you or is able to receive any mail — because their mailbox is jammed full of the trousers you stuffed in there.
R (Day 2): Re-stuff those mailboxes
You heard that right. Get up the next morning and repeat step-1. If you can fit more trousers into each mailbox, even better!
O (Day 3): Only eye-contact
Day 3 is when the fun begins. Get up early again, but this time go up to each neighbors’ house and ring the doorbell. When they come to the door, simply stand there and make eye contact for as long as possible. Do not make a single sound. When your frustrated neighbor attempts to shut the door on you,place your foot between the door and the door frame, and slowly hand him/her another pair of trousers.
U (Day 4): Use your mouth
Repetition is key. Repeat the steps performed on day 3. This time, your neighbors may try to call the police when you hand them the trousers after another silent greeting. This is when you finally use your face-hole to say some words to your neighbor. Be creative, but don’t talk about the trousers or the awkward, silent moments. They’ll expect this and likely think you are a boring neighbor not worth getting to know.
S (Day 5): Stuff more trousers in the mailbox
See Day 1 and Day 2 if you are still confused about what to do here.
E (Day 6): Even more trousers
Although this step is completely identical to Days 1, 2 and 5, this is a crucial step in the process. You are about to the most popular guy in the whole block!
R (Day 7): Reap the rewards
You now have healthy relationships with all of your neighbors, who affectionately refer to you as “Trouser Steve.” You are also probably a spectacular bowler and mug stacker-upper-er at this point. You’re welcome!