No one escapes the perils of dealing with a full-fledged, spaghetti-flinging Middle Schooler. Whether you are a proud parent, a hesitant uncle, an anonymous acquaintance, eager arms dealer, or enthusiastic youth pastor, we could all use some tips on how to better connect with “America’s most vocal flesh-pods.”
Well, we’ve done the hard work of interviewing all the pasta-throwing youths we could find and compiled this list of ideas to better connect with your precious noodle tosser.
1. Coo And caw your feelings
Middle Schoolers will appreciate the fact that you use bird noises to communicate your deepest feelings, even if these are feelings of frustration and despair. Channel your inner bird and coo and caw away as you wipe handful after handful of piping hot tortellini alfredo off your face.
2. Name drop any MLB player you’ve ever seen or met
If you’ve ever met or even seen a player from Major League Baseball, you hold the high ground when it comes to connecting with Middle Schoolers. Simply name drop the player’s name from “America’s Chubbiest League” and watch as Middle Schoolers everywhere drop their large, sauce-laden handfuls of penne pasta to listen to everything you have to say.
3. Do not use the kitchen sink
Do not, under ANY circumstance, ever use the kitchen sink. Any kid in the 6th, 7th, or 8th grade will read this as an all-out declaration of your intent to harm and injure them.
4. Carry various condiments on your belt
Take any mayo, ketchup, or mustard containers you have around the house and fasten small hooks on the lids. Hang these, and any other condiments you can find, on your “Friendship Pants Strap.” You’ll be surprised at how willing the “half adults” in your life will be to open up with you about their pastas.
5. Constantly stream the Terminator movies on your mobile devices
You no longer own a cell phone, tablet, or iPad. You are now the proud owner of a “Terminator Pod” which is incessantly blaring the movies in the Terminator series in an endless loop.
6. Refer to any famous person as a “Hollywood-Type”
You will no longer refer to famous people by their names as younger humans find this despicable. For instance, if you want to talk about “Matt Damon” or “Ivanka Trump,” you will simply say something like, “Have you seen the Bourne movies with that Hollywood-type from Boston?” Or, “The President’s daughter, Mrs. Hollywood-type, reminds me of fettuccine alfredo.” The one exception to this rule is any baseball player from the MLB.
7. Draw diagrams explaining different cuts of meat
Middle Schoolers want to know what part of the cow the flank steak comes from, or where exactly the sirloin is located. Draw plenty of graphs and diagrams explaining the various cuts of meat, American meat-eating statistics, and varying flavors of deliciousness.
8. Quote Wikipedia early and often
Season your conversation with direct quotes from Wikipedia. The more the better. Be sure to quote things word-for-word and to properly give credit to your source. Middle Schoolers will respect your trust of the internet and your appropriate use of conversational citations.