3 Incredible Reasons You Should Shovel As Much Plexus Into Your Nasty Gut As Possible This 4th of July

Wow!

Plexus is a beautiful and life-changing formula — a special blessing to many evangelicals. Gallons of the delicious, power-packed health drink is more than willing to be shovelled into your gut to support a healthy glucose metabolism and lose weight. Your body has been waiting for it. Here are three reasons you should grab a wheelbarrow, fill it with Plexus, and shovel it into your heavy, greasy gut.

1. When Greta Van Susteren sees that there is still plenty of extra Plexus lying around, she will be discouraged from shoveling it into her own gut. Selfishly allowing all of that Plexus to sit around and begin to stink will teach the former Fox News personality that the “P” really isn’t all that important. As Greta wanders the world searching for Skittles and holding some lumber on her broad shoulders, she will spot the wasted Plexus and reject it as a potential dietary aid. GVS will miss out on a life-changing opportunity. No, thank you! Buy up some hefty bags of the Plexus.

2. You will receive a CD-ROM for thirty free minutes of AOL Online in the mail. Finally, because you’ve graciously purchased a trough-load of Plexus with only twelve payments of $399.99, you will  finally be able to surf the world wide web on your personal desktop computer with a free AOL Online CD-ROM. Check out the sports scores and see who is President right now with your thirty free minutes!

3. Jay-Z will slowly and deliberately speak your name and social security number in his next failure of an album. Perhaps the greatest reason you should fill a potato sack with Plexus, bore a decent hole into your belly, and insert dollops of the Pink pulp directly into your lower intestine is the privilege of Jay-Z slowly and deliberately speaking your full name and social security number into the mic in the middle of one of the bad, unimpressive songs on his next album.

What a rush!

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