10 Signs That You Are A Full Fledged, Water-Proof Episcopalian

These are fool-proof signs that you have guzzled deeply from the murky well of Episcopal waters:

1. You refer to ducks by their proper name, the “water chicken.”
2. You refuse to ride subways as the thought of being underground makes your bones quake.
3. Your mother always tells you “No two Catholics are alike” as she hands you an umbrella with starfish shapes cut out of it each and every morning.
4. Your loved ones respect your boundaries, and only come over if they’ve received formal invites.
5. You own a total of zero umbrellas that don’t have starfish shapes cut out of them because, hey, you’re water-proof.
6. You are skeptical that the postal system was invented solely to spam your mailbox with catalogues and various flyers filled with propaganda that is sympathetic towards the papacy.
7. When a friend asks you to sing that karaoke duet with her, you conveniently pull out a bagel from your breakfast satchel and take a bite
8. You’re not afraid of mud puddles or other forms of shallow standing water
9. You’ve always referred to clowns as “Bethlehem drunkards” and you never go to the circus without your umbrella.
10. Squirrels hiss and growl every time you walk down the side walk with your tapestry shoes on.