“The Wednesday Wallop” Is Here…Here’s How To Survive It

Your Pastor will call you and lambaste you today. We're here to talk you through It.

The Wednesday Wallop: it’s a tradition as old as your grandfather’s wrinkled elbow-flaps are long. Every self-respecting Pastor across America has set this day aside to verbally chastise and rebuke his congregants. You’ve been bracing yourself for it, and you’ve had it coming now since last Wednesday’s ear-splitting rebuke. Thankfully, these tips will help you survive today’s haranguing with minimal emotional wounds.

1. Recite current NBA standings.

Pastor’s love keeping up with the times. They also love clever alliteration, like the Washington Wizards. Try getting your pastor off-track early by distracting him with a heavy dose of basketball-banter.

2. Quiz him on the State capitals.

Your sheep-herder will briefly stop berating you over your lack of volunteering when you ask him what the capital of Arkansas is. He can’t help himself. It reminds him of the late nights he spent with his seminary buddies, drinking Allan’s “sock-wine” while challenging each other to American trivia quizzes.

3. Offer to ship him some coconut oil.

We don’t typically condone bribing, but coconut oil has many Pastoral uses which should lighten the conversation. Besides being great for chapped lips and dandruff treatment, nothing says “I’m organically masking my scent” like two armpits lathered in the sweet grease of the tropics.

4. Have Jack Johnson songs playing in the background.

You’re going to get walloped, there’s just no way around it. Let Jacky J soothe your fears and smother your cries with those melodic spirit-balms of music.

5. Take the walloping: you deserve it.

Let’s face it, you’ve been asking for this verbal assault for a while now. Your smug contempt for first-time visitors and clerical jokes got you here, so let your Pastor’s stern lecture and personal attacks bear the fruit of humility and repentance in your salty little heart.

6. Get ready for next Wednesday.

It’s time to stop acting surprised every week. Start preparing now. Record a video of yourself saying “It’s going to be alright, Bubsie. He reprimands you in love.” You’ll be able watch this video over and over again after every painful Wednesday Wallop. Just remember, we are all in this together.

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