Missionary Disappointed He Is Unable To Share His Rare Viruses With Loved Ones

"It hurts not being able to give these away to others."

Colin Westphal, a missionary serving in the Hebis tribe of South America, desires to evangelize and build a healthy, prosperous church. Living in Third-World conditions and constantly shaking the moist hands of the weak and needy, Westphal’s boney body is fully-stocked with rare, unique viruses that he wishes he could share with his friends and family.

“I contracted this new, rare virus that makes me really hungry. However, after I eat, I throw everything back up whole and fully-intact,” Westphal said with multiple twinkles in his eyes.

Unfortunately, with Colin being hundreds of miles from home and a few day’s treck from the city, he has to keep these wonderful virus strands to himself. “Last week, I got this strange virus that caused stool to evacuate through the pores in my skin. I wish I could share these with my handsome cousins, Jeb and Trellen.”

Missionaries often have wonderful stories to tell and bows and arrows to show-off, but Collin knows these disgusting sicknesses will have to be enjoyed by he and his family in the jungle. “It hurts not being able to give these away to others. The virus I’m currently collecting and experiencing makes me slur my words and foam at the mouth. My energetic nephew Florenmar would’ve loved to experience it with me.”

From the editor: While writing this story, we obviously corresponded frequently with Colin over email. We have reached out repeatedly these last few hours to receive additional quotes. However, Colin has not responded. We believe he has died from the viruses he loves, or is experiencing a brand-new virus that has caused him temporary blindness.


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