“When will it end!” cried an exhasperated Lindsey Bolton of Stockholm, Indiana. “He haunts my dreams, knocks on my door late at night, and interrupts my book club to share the wonder of a home equity loan that does not require monthly mortgage payments. I just want to go on with my life.”
Lindsey isn’t the only one experiencing this incredible phenomenon. Many others in the Midwest have also been approached by an evil, icky buzzard with Francis Chan’s human face. Apparently, he just wants people to try out a loan that is repaid after the owner moves or dies.
Rick Parcell of Feebleton, Maryland was commuting to work in his Ford Explorer last February. As he pulled into the parking lot of Stessal and Stessal Law Offices, he looked down at a text message. He was shocked when he saw The Francis Chan Buzzard’s message written in all-caps.
“I didn’t recognize the phone number of course,” Parcell said as he neatly stacked two-dozen ham sandwiches on a picnic table. “The message just said, ‘The vast majority of reverse mortgages are loans that are insured by the Federal Housing Administration. The formal name for these FHA- insured loans is Home Equity Conversion Mortgage (HECM). The maximum home value that can be tapped for an HECM is based on home values in your area.’ He had an awful lot to say about this. He was well-informed.”
Casey Southerland is a fourteen year-old just trying to fit into his Freshman class. He was visited by Chan Spirit-Buzzard during study hall. “He was adament that a homeowner can borrow money against the value of his or her home. No repayment of the mortgage is required until the borrower dies or the home is sold.”
Perhaps more impressive to Casey was Chan Spirit-Buzzard’s voice, which sounded eerily similar to renouned speaker and author Francis Chan. “I had listened to F. Chan preach to a small church in Virginia the previous day. Maybe this prompted his visit?”
If you have been visited by the Francis Chan Memorial Buzzard and he tried to convince you to get a reverse mortgage, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org