Inspiring: Joel Osteen Finally Got Those Grillz He’s Been Naming and Claiming For Two Weeks

Houston, Texas– This morning at Lakewood Church, attendants noticed something different about Pastor Joel Osteen’s speech and smile. The usually articulate Osteen had difficulty using his typical vocabulary during a 20-minute...

Houston, Texas– This morning at Lakewood Church, attendants noticed something different about Pastor Joel Osteen’s speech and smile. The usually articulate Osteen had difficulty using his typical vocabulary during a 20-minute motivation speech, unable to clearly say words such as “Dolla’ Billz,””Rolls Royce,” and “Moist Cupcakes.”

“As I glanced up from my Facebook feed on my iPhone, I noticed that I wasn’t at the Houston Texans game. Probably took a wrong turn,” said Roland Ronan, who apparently walked right in without realizing where he was or what was going on. “I thought to myself, ‘I guess I’m in a church. Whoa! The smiley priest’s words are inscrutable, and does he have grillz on his chompers?'”

Congregants of Lakewood Church have noticed an odd addition to his sermon-ending prayer over the last few weeks. “He would pray like usual, you know, to his sun god and stuff, and then just casually mention something about claiming gold teeth near the end,” said Victoria Lennon of Houston. “I recall one sermon in which he just kept repeating ‘gold grillz’ over and over. It was the most difficult hour of my life.”

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